Talking to children

Talking to children about a family member who is unwell and not able to get better from an illness is never an easy task. As parents, we naturally want to protect our children from emotional pain and suffering. This natural parental urge can be difficult to balance with the desire, to be honest and upfront about harsh realities, such as talking about death and dying. Telling children in advance about the potential death of a family member or friend is beneficial because it:

• Creates an environment of open and honest communication
• Enables children to get factual information from you
• Leaves less opportunity for children to imagine different or inaccurate explanations
• Helps children make sense of the physical changes they see happening to a person who is unwell
• Creates an opportunity for the ill person to play a role in preparing children for the possibility of their death
• Allows time to put additional support systems in place, such as school counsellors and grief programmes, where available
• Enables children to grieve with the adults in their lives, instead of alone and from the sidelines. You and other family members can help children understand that their emotions and those of others around them are valid, healthy, and natural
• Gives children the chance, when the death of a loved one is imminent, to say goodbye in a way that feels appropriate for them or to just be with that person with a shared knowing that their time together (at least physically) is limited
• Enhances the trust between children and their family

1. Think about what questions children may ask in your family so you can prepare your answers.
2. Consider whether you need help to talk to children about a potential death. Local charity Jigsaw (South East) have a specialist service supporting children and their families who are facing the loss of a loved one. Contact them on 01342 313895. A dedicated support worker can help you prepare to speak with your children and then make plans for how to support them once they have been told the news. They liaise with the children’s schools, with parental consent, and help ensure each child receives all the support and guidance they require. They also offer 1:1 support for children to help them during the loss of their loved one and beyond. Your local hospice may also be able to offer support to your family. Go to our directory for further information.
3. To help you with your conversations and use further resources Winston’s Wish teamed up with Macmillan

Cancer Support to produce a book for parents who are nearing the end of life to broach the subject with their children. Child Bereavement UK has useful information sheets and short videos to help you navigate how to talk to your children about death and dying. Child Bereavement UK has useful books that you can use to discuss the topic.