Talking to other family members

Talking about death and dying with other members of the family can raise all kinds of issues and problems. A terminal diagnosis can trigger a range of feelings including anger, fear, and sadness and these may vary depending on the family member and their coping abilities. Your family will also have its own history of relationships, dynamics, and roles that can affect how individuals behave. As a result family conflict can be very common. For example:

• the nature of the relationship with the dying person may differ between family members
• those who live some distance away may not appreciate the level of deterioration of them and disagree with decisions made by those closest to the dying person
• some family members may be accepting of what is happening whilst others may be in denial
• some family members may be holding onto confidential information about the dying person which they cannot share and find this difficult
• sibling rivalry can often emerge and create conflict and a lack of trust

1. Try and share responsibility. It is sometimes difficult to do this if some family members live some distance away but try and divide roles up to match each person’s strengths, ability, and emotional resilience.
2. Meet as regularly as possible and hold family meetings so that you resolve issues in time. These could be done face to face or using phone or video conferencing. Make sure everyone is clear about what has been agreed and who is doing what.
3. Talk as openly and honestly as you can, making sure conversations are constructive. Avoid blaming statements and instead express how you feel. Listen to other family members’ feelings too.
4. If you need help to resolve conflict consider getting a professional involved to help you work through issues as a family. Consider who might be best, for example, a professional involved in the dying person’s care who is from the primary health care team or hospice, or perhaps an advisor from a local voluntary organisation such as Action for Carers Surrey.